


The child who never smiled

by May_Kirishima



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Behind the Scenes, Dark, Drabble, Drama, Gen, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24289459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/May_Kirishima/pseuds/May_Kirishima
Summary: He never smiled. His gaze was always full of sadness. Cold walls crushed his mind, compressing his chest more and more. He was forbidden to cry, because he was considered to be a weapon to achieve a global goal – the merger of all Lilim into one omnipotent organism. His fiduciaries are crazy.
Kudos: 1
Collections: Neon Genesis Evangelion





	The child who never smiled

He never smiled. His gaze was always full of sadness. Cold walls crushed his mind, compressing his chest more and more. He was forbidden to cry, because he was considered to be a weapon to achieve a global goal – the merger of all Lilim into one omnipotent organism. His fiduciaries are crazy.

He was kept locked up for fifteen years and was teaching the art of Lilim so that he could join the society when he arrives at his destination. He was allowed to take some books from the library, but he always tried to steal the ones on the upper shelves. Their colorful content was worth all the effort.

Emotions. Feelings. Love. He knew about these words, even if he had no idea what is it actually. Every day the chance of being noticed increased, and he had to hide books in the most hidden places. If the old men will learning about this, they would have surely erased his memory. The memory that he himself wanted to get rid of.

He was hurt. The first time was very painful. He was stuffed with pills, not giving rest from them. The diet was a certain amount of food, from which he was already starting to feel sick. And the pills. Pills that enhance his immunity. He could no longer get sick, as when he was a child.

Every day he became stronger. He could no longer be defeated by physical force. He developed an AT-field. And he built invisible walls that protect the mind from guardians. They couldn’t guess about it, therefore continued to inspire the simple truth of his existence.

Weapon. The tool in a huge mechanism. He wasn’t capable of anything but destruction. Angel of free will, but without free will. He knew that he could never create something beautiful like Lilim. But they tried to teach him.

All his life he played the violin, sometimes practicing the piano. Long and thin fingers alternately fingered the keys, cut into strings. Finger pads became rougher with every violin game. He couldn’t create something of his own, only copying the mastery of the great composers of the past.

He really loved the Lilim culture, realizing that he would never become part of it. From this, the heart was squeezed by aching pain, which resembled the fact that he exists. He didn’t know what it means to live. The goal set by the fiduciaries accompanied him every day from their own lips, saying that he was the fruit of an unsuccessful experiment, now forced to fulfill his duty. Destruction.

He met a person in early spring. The first meeting he remembered forever. Lilim. A living representative of Lilim, in addition to the elderly men, feeding him pills. This person was so fragile that it seemed that he could be broken by squeezing him a little. He was afraid to hurt him, because he knew what it was like.

He didn’t know how to smile, but it was a necessary measure. "Lilim loves smiles. They have to them." The old men were right. The boy with dark hair changed his face when he smiled at him. His chest was full of many feelings and emotions, which he managed to learn about only in books. He didn’t know what he was facing.

"You are so delicate, like glass, especially your heart. Yes, you have my regard for it. It means, I love you." It seemed to him that Lilim will rejoice at such words, but it seemed that the boy was more shocked by them. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong, and why the boy began to move away from him, as he had once distanced himself from the elderly. "Just a weapon to an end. I don't know how to feel." But the pain responded with bitterness all over his body, making his eyes watery.

The mission was failed. He couldn’t earn the trust of man. He couldn’t live up to the expectations placed on him. He couldn’t cope with feelings overwhelming his heart. On the last night, he sat in the cold room all alone, examining every screw on the gray walls. Salty tears flowed down the cheeks. He didn’t remember the last time he cried. And did he cry at all.

"I've been waiting for you, Shinji-kun." He was approaching Adam, hearing the desperate screams of a man behind his back. The man who revealed himself to him, believing a fake smile. The man he betrayed. The angel of free will first showed it, having received a new brand - the Angel of betrayal. Tabris was a bright creature seeking to reunite with Adam, the father of fifteen Angels. Kaworu, on the other hand, indulged in his own desires, feeling himself alive for the first time.

"Lilith?!" Fear. Fear that bound the body. His gaze fell on Lilim's mother, nailed to the cross, like Jesus. On her face was the SEELE sign – the sign of the fiduciaries of little Tabris. He heard a frantic scream behind him. Shinji. He got to the Terminal Dogma.

The robot's cold hand gripped a fragile torso. It seemed that he was so strong that it was simply impossible to damage him, but he was mistaken. The bones cracked, crashing into the skin. Eve's soul wanted to hurt him. She deliberately did not obey the pilot, trying to harm the one who offended her child.

"Life and death are of equal value to me." After all, he never lived. He did not see the joys. All the time that he existed, he was just a tool. A tool that is incapable of anything. But he learned to feel. A sharp pain pierced the lungs, breathing slowed down. Death that he dreamed seemed to be from birth.

He wasn’t guilty of being born an angel. The villain destined his life too irresponsibly. He could create magnificent works of art. He could have started a family with one of Lilim. Could love and be loved. But that didn’t happen.

"Thank you. I'm glad I met you." The violet hand gripped the fragile body harder, finally breaking the bones. Scarlet liquid dripped into the metal. Angel with all his might looked at the huge face of the one who was made from the same test, for the first time sincerely smiling. These few seconds were not enough for him to fully understand what it was like to be happy and live with a smile on his face.


End file.
